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All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
finally
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
This is the best one I’ve seen
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on