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Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Anime is real
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
🙄😏😂🤣
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that