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I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I love it all
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey