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People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?