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[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Not my job 😂
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*