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If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.