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Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
How software testing works
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Why is no one talking about this?!
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir