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Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.