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“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!