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The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Put this video in the Louvre
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
My last name is Zilla.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?