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Saturday
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that