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i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist