You Might Also Like
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.