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Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I’ve had relationships like this
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me