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[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
“And we shall call it Kansas City”
Cuz it’s in Kansas?
“No it will be located in Missouri.”
What will we call the neighboring city across the river?
“Kansas City, Kansas”
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
