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When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
They also CAN sing✌️
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Need this in my life lol
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs