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Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
My dress code is business-casualty.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.