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[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Suuuuure
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
cry laughing at this shit
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”