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This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
We don’t deserve birds.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.