You Might Also Like
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I beg your pardon?
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?