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House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Yes, this is exactly right
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat