You Might Also Like
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day