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5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
