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When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
My life coach traded me.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.