You Might Also Like
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
going from an agency to a company that cares about you is crazy because my boss said “please don’t apologize for having spinal surgery” and i was like “are you sure”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
3 Body Problem is just me weighing myself
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT