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Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.