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“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all