You Might Also Like
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
You are not alone 💚
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.