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Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
❤️🦆
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*