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Merica.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
