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Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?