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Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
No.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous