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Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does