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Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
That time Alicia messaged me
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Some of y’all tomorrow …
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me: