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Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.