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[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.