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her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
remember
only for emergencies
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.