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If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Something Saturday.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.