You Might Also Like
Natural selection at its finest
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Whoa… oh I see lol
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”