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I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
“get his ass” is so hilarious. its like the modern version of “seize him”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.