You Might Also Like
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Quadruple digit IQ
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY: