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[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point