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Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too