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to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
From my Mom
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
But is it really??
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile