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Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
(Every historical tour)
Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture
Me: Oh wow very cool
Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
White Castle for the Win
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years