You Might Also Like
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes