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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.