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getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Me trying to look natural in photos
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Couple goals
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me