You Might Also Like
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Me too 😆
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.