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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.