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The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
*jingles half the way*
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed