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[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.