You Might Also Like
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
DJ Aligator is my favourite musician named after two things that tried to bite me in my twenties.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Me when I’m ovulating
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house