You Might Also Like
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters