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“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
edward fingerhands
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm