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Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Accurate
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
All I want for Christmas is for Santa to drop Mulder and Scully off in NJ to sort things out.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
getting corrected
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Incredible customer service.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early