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my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
real
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Blew out my flip flop…
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”