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*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
hey girl are you a holiday gift ribbon because you’re spiraling.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
happy mother’s day❤️
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint