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Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.