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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
Hey i am sexy to you now
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I beg your pardon?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*