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If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.