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Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Just me and my debit card against the world
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.