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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
this is me
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.