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I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
i wish we could shoplift online
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
japanese corn
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD