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Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
umm…
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor