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My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.