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Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
so i’m at the stock market right
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
What happened to the other hiker??!
