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God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost
I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”