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Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
fr
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
