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*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
reviewed some movies recently
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?