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What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
If a snake ate a cake
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Nice try Hitler
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”