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Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
is this meant to deter me
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.