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Norman Bates’ favorite reference book was the enpsychopedia.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
😂😂😂
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.