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Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
Guys it is ofc possible that I have misunderstood but I have just been told that the hotel I’m staying at for work offers ‘free 24 hour cheese’
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
When something says it needs 2 minutes in the microwave but 40 minutes in the oven it does make you think a little bit about wtf is going down in the microwave
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.